2020 in review: Growing pains
Dec. 31st, 2020 04:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kjorteoThe year is drawing to a close, presumably because it finally ran out of ways to hurt and kill people and has nowhere else to go, though I fully expect it to wring every last tear it can from us all in its final few moments. They're going to do the New Year's ball drop and some celebrity you really like will die of COVID when the countdown is at 1, mark my words.
When browsing our tag for year in review posts, I noticed that I'd described 2019 as containing a "time vortex in which the year lasted at least three years, yet somehow still managed to blindside me with every "wait, it's time to do X already?" milestone." (Even better, I mentioned that in the context of also having experienced that in 2018, and having hoped 2019 would be better in that regard, but nope.) I also described 2019 as feeling like "2016 2: The Sequel."
Ahahahahaha.
Ahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My God, where do we even start with 2020?
... With the music, I guess, since I guess picking a theme song for the year has become almost as much of a tradition for these posts as starting them with, "The year is drawing to a close." The smartass side of me feels like the most 2020 song is the heel version of Doink the Clown's theme or perhaps that old post I somehow can't find anymore (but you can probably use your imagination) where someone took the Mario Kart 64 versions of Toad's voice clips and set them to creepy haunted carnival music.
But no, our serious answer is Falconer's "Northwind", for reasons that will become apparent later.
So, yeah, 2020 was a rough one. News-wise, everything went to hell with COVID and, even worse, people losing their Goddamn minds over COVID restrictions. In her year-end post,xyzzysqrl opined: "What this year taught me is that given the circumstances I live in as an unemployed near-complete shut-in, many people will develop a bread fetish temporarily and then go insane and expose themselves to a fatal virus rather than continue living in that fashion. My personal dignity is very low on the list of things to preserve in this world but that feels very insulting somehow. I kind of want an apology but I'm not sure from who." And you know, even though we're not unemployed, I still... really feel that, like a lot? Like, yeah. She put into words something we felt as well: that a large portion of this year was about extroverts being forced to try the introvert lifestyle, then complaining very loudly about how this is the absolute worst torture ever devised and how could anyone who calls themselves humans possibly LIVE like this and... like... we can hear you, you know, and gee thanks.
Anyway, all that, plus an election year, plus our mental health took a complete nosedive, possibly brought on by all that plus an election year.
It started with the return of my anxiety, which even reached panic attack levels at points. I went into therapy for that, and unlike previous "talk it out for a few sessions, give me some meditation-related coping strategies, and send me on my way" encounters, this one was bad enough to get me on a daily regimen of antidepressants (which I guess are also for anxiety, apparently.) After a very rough initial adjustment period, they did eventually kick in, and my anxiety has been a lot better ever since. That's great news, and I'm glad we were at least able to get one of the more pressing and urgent problems resolved.
However, I've turned into an unmotivated lump since then. It's hard to tell whether that's a side effect of the antidepressants, or if that was load-bearing anxiety; that being driven by anxiety for so long like that was all I knew meant I had no way of knowing how to get engaged with anything without the "aaaa everything is on fire panic panic panic" reflex to do it for me. I've been dropping the ball not only at work, but also with personal and social obligations--answering emails, remembering to check in on chatrooms I'm supposed to be moderating, etc. I've had bills almost go unpaid not because I'm in any sort of financial trouble whatsoever, but because I just... like... forgot, or never got around to them. Don't even get me started on our current sleep schedule, or lack thereof.
I've been trying to exercise self-discipline and make myself do chores and go to bed and stuff, and I just can't. I cannot focus on an undesired task (such as work.) It's like... it's almost an actual physical inhibition, like trying to look at the sun. I glance over to the work document and my gaze just lands on it and either bounces right off or lands and then skids and keeps sliding off again, like a horrible ice level in a clunky PS1 platformer. I strongly suspect that we have some kind of ADHD (and we might be autistic, too, for other reasons--it's been a very introspective kind of year) but I don't want to leave that at a flimsy self-diagnosis. I need that confirmed, and I need help. Because right now, I physically cannot focus on a lot of the things I'm really supposed to be taking care of, and I can't fix... a lot of the things I really need to fix.
Allow me to quote an IM with a friend from earlier:
"It's... *sigh* every day. Every single day. Day in, day out, for years. For years have I woken up every day and thought, "Well, maybe tonight I can go to bed early, and therefore wake up early tomorrow and maybe today will be the first day of making a better sleep habit and starting to get my shit together. And every night it fails to happen, and I curse myself a little more. That feeling you get when you fuck up your new year's resolutions? Try getting that every. day. for years.
"Every Saturday when I think "well I've got work on Monday, better get this sorted out today or tomorrow or Monday's gonna suuuuuuck" and sure enough, I don't and it does. Every weekend, 52 times a year. I know I'm killing myself by doing this, and then I do it, and now I'm dead and I hate myself because you literally knew this was coming and did it anyway, you stupid idiot.
"... Honestly? These times during this vacation [I took the time between Christmas and New Year's off] where I've just said "fuck it" and gone full non-24 like you guys? It's been... it's been the first time since I can remember I've been able to put that self-flagellation down, even a little. And I know it's... that's the wrong answer. It's like saying I used to beat myself up for all the weight I was gaining from my bad diet and exercise habits, so I threw out my scale. Or like, the way my house was burning down was getting really loud and unpleasant to deal with so I disabled the fire alarm and ahhhh much better.
"But... I'm broken, you guys. I can't keep this up anymore. Not without... help. Not without the doctors to either figure out whatever the fuck ADHD nonsense is going on in there and fix that, or reconsider the antidepressants (I really hope they don't do that because this still beats the anxiety, I mean fuck, you saw how we were.) I know it needs to be worked through and eased into and solved and improved and made better, and I can't. I... can't. I tried. I tried everything. Sara tried everything. Kurt and Ardei did. You did, and still are.
"... I don't want you to stop [being concerned about our bedtime and asking why we're still awake and things like that] because... mmnh. Because you care about us, because you're trying to help. And I like that. That's what I'm afraid of losing [if I keep being prickly and defensive about this].
"But just... be patient with me, I guess. I'm at the limit of what's physically possible without more medical intervention.
"I'm sorry for making you worry, and for putting you in this position."
... Which is about where we stand, now. I have an appointment with the clinic's psychiatrist next week, and I'm hoping that can be the start of... something. And I'm just... trying my best to hold on until then. And mostly failing.
... So that topic is kind of a bummer! On the other hand, the funny thing about a plural system experiencing mental breakdowns is that that's where the team really becomes a family, and in our case, even grew and expanded. The 2019 recap post only talks about Sara and myself, because as of December 2019 we were still a two-person system. Now, I'm coming at you live with an icon that has four faces in it. (Oh, hey, I finally got around to updating it.) Yes, as much as 2020 may have sucked for just about every other measurable reason, this was the year in which Ardei and Kurt manifested as headmates and system members, and... I guess you really aren't allowed to say it was a bad year when you're talking about the year two of your "children" were "born."
It wasn't an easy adjustment. When Ardei first joined the system, Sara was... conflicted. She liked Ardei as a person and fully admitted that he deserved love and support and being welcomed, but she had deep-down intrusive thoughts about being replaced or sidelined, which made her a bit defensive about her place at the table. Ardei understood and helped her with her pain, the two of them were able to work it out and grow more comfortable with each other, and they are fine now. Still, it was a rough adjustment for her, at least for a littl while.
It was nowhere near as rough, though, as the struggles when Kurt joined the system. Due to reasons I still haven't gotten around to writing up yet (it's a long story, have you seen how big this post is turning out already even without it, and I have executive dysfunction,) Ardei initially despised Kurt, Sara was initially frosty toward Kurt for "any enemy of Ardei's is an enemy of mine" reasons, and Kurt was... kind of an atoner trying his best to redeem himself in their eyes. It took a lot of painful confrontations to get them all on the same page. Fortunately, we are a whole family now, and we've even been able to do things like judge video games together. Looking at us now, you'd never know that they've had moments of physical violence between each other at their lowest point (something that's still a point of intense in-hindsight remorse and shame for them.) This part of the story, at least, has a happy ending: Now we are a loving, mutually supportive family. Now there are four of us working together to face and help each other with each of our struggles. I love all of my fellow woodlings, and they love each other, and it was worth any amount of initial pain to be at the point where I can say that now.
Having four of us in the system now, it's been interesting to compare and contrast how each of them "feels" in our headspace, everyone's respective origins. It feels like Kurt and Ardei both may be more psychologically based (I had some unresolved childhood trauma that caused my psyche to split and subfragment in ways I didn't notice until just this year, they might be these other pieces of myself who chose to present themselves as and "become" their respective OCs) while Sara is closer to being a separate self entirely (she didn't choose anything; she was born Sara, I created her and brought her to life.) Sara is the only one who isn't affected by or still carrying scars from my childhood; she has a sort of "I mean that's a sad story and all but I'm not the person it happened to, so ???" layer of separation that Kurt and Ardei somehow do not. We've taken to adopting the term "Celinekin woodlings" when we mean everyone except Sara, mostly in the context of said scars that affect the other three.
Anyway, we have an About Us page now.
Our expanded plural family has other benefits, too. All of us have our own personal areas within the overall headspace. Sara has what looks like a teenage girl's bedroom--lots of pink stuff, lots of band posters on the walls. Ardei has a network of caves. Kurt has a castle. Kurt's castle had a start almost as rough as that of Kurt himself, and we even tried to condemn it for "this is too corrupted and polluted, we have to bulldoze the entire site and start over somewhere more clean" reasons, though our attempts to sever and banish it from the headspace were (fortunately) complete failures. When that didn't work (and with a lot of help from fellow system friends,) the castle was repaired and restored instead. Now returned to us in its former glory, the newly-rechristened Northwind Palace (named after the Falconer song, because Kurt's a falcon, and also just because it's a cool-sounding name) has become a mental refuge for all of us. It's large and spacious, well defended, utterly gorgeous, and building it in Dragon Quest Builders 2 has become our latest obsession. Much like Kurt himself, things were really dicey at first, but now I can safely say that our system is a lot better for having Northwind as a part of it.
And... that was our 2020, I guess. My New Year's resolution is... I guess... continue the process of hopefully someday getting my shit together. Allowing myself more slack and less self-loathing when I reach my or even our system's limitations, but still doing what we can to further the process of getting those limitations addressed. Quit being mad at myself for the things I can't do right with this undiagnosed untreated unmedicated and uncontrollable whatever-it-is, but keep calling doctors and self-advocating and generally trying to get it diagnosed and treated and medicated and controlled, in other words.
In conclusion, thank you for being there for us, for being patient with us, for reading this whole fucking novel of a post (assuming you actually did, which, if not, I completely understand.) Hopefully 2021 will be be about putting out the fires, putting the pieces back together, and just... healing, both for the world and for ourselves and our mental health.
Carry me safe ashore, as you did our brethren of yore....
When browsing our tag for year in review posts, I noticed that I'd described 2019 as containing a "time vortex in which the year lasted at least three years, yet somehow still managed to blindside me with every "wait, it's time to do X already?" milestone." (Even better, I mentioned that in the context of also having experienced that in 2018, and having hoped 2019 would be better in that regard, but nope.) I also described 2019 as feeling like "2016 2: The Sequel."
Ahahahahaha.
Ahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My God, where do we even start with 2020?
... With the music, I guess, since I guess picking a theme song for the year has become almost as much of a tradition for these posts as starting them with, "The year is drawing to a close." The smartass side of me feels like the most 2020 song is the heel version of Doink the Clown's theme or perhaps that old post I somehow can't find anymore (but you can probably use your imagination) where someone took the Mario Kart 64 versions of Toad's voice clips and set them to creepy haunted carnival music.
But no, our serious answer is Falconer's "Northwind", for reasons that will become apparent later.
So, yeah, 2020 was a rough one. News-wise, everything went to hell with COVID and, even worse, people losing their Goddamn minds over COVID restrictions. In her year-end post,
xyzzysqrl opined: "What this year taught me is that given the circumstances I live in as an unemployed near-complete shut-in, many people will develop a bread fetish temporarily and then go insane and expose themselves to a fatal virus rather than continue living in that fashion. My personal dignity is very low on the list of things to preserve in this world but that feels very insulting somehow. I kind of want an apology but I'm not sure from who." And you know, even though we're not unemployed, I still... really feel that, like a lot? Like, yeah. She put into words something we felt as well: that a large portion of this year was about extroverts being forced to try the introvert lifestyle, then complaining very loudly about how this is the absolute worst torture ever devised and how could anyone who calls themselves humans possibly LIVE like this and... like... we can hear you, you know, and gee thanks.Anyway, all that, plus an election year, plus our mental health took a complete nosedive, possibly brought on by all that plus an election year.
It started with the return of my anxiety, which even reached panic attack levels at points. I went into therapy for that, and unlike previous "talk it out for a few sessions, give me some meditation-related coping strategies, and send me on my way" encounters, this one was bad enough to get me on a daily regimen of antidepressants (which I guess are also for anxiety, apparently.) After a very rough initial adjustment period, they did eventually kick in, and my anxiety has been a lot better ever since. That's great news, and I'm glad we were at least able to get one of the more pressing and urgent problems resolved.
However, I've turned into an unmotivated lump since then. It's hard to tell whether that's a side effect of the antidepressants, or if that was load-bearing anxiety; that being driven by anxiety for so long like that was all I knew meant I had no way of knowing how to get engaged with anything without the "aaaa everything is on fire panic panic panic" reflex to do it for me. I've been dropping the ball not only at work, but also with personal and social obligations--answering emails, remembering to check in on chatrooms I'm supposed to be moderating, etc. I've had bills almost go unpaid not because I'm in any sort of financial trouble whatsoever, but because I just... like... forgot, or never got around to them. Don't even get me started on our current sleep schedule, or lack thereof.
I've been trying to exercise self-discipline and make myself do chores and go to bed and stuff, and I just can't. I cannot focus on an undesired task (such as work.) It's like... it's almost an actual physical inhibition, like trying to look at the sun. I glance over to the work document and my gaze just lands on it and either bounces right off or lands and then skids and keeps sliding off again, like a horrible ice level in a clunky PS1 platformer. I strongly suspect that we have some kind of ADHD (and we might be autistic, too, for other reasons--it's been a very introspective kind of year) but I don't want to leave that at a flimsy self-diagnosis. I need that confirmed, and I need help. Because right now, I physically cannot focus on a lot of the things I'm really supposed to be taking care of, and I can't fix... a lot of the things I really need to fix.
Allow me to quote an IM with a friend from earlier:
"It's... *sigh* every day. Every single day. Day in, day out, for years. For years have I woken up every day and thought, "Well, maybe tonight I can go to bed early, and therefore wake up early tomorrow and maybe today will be the first day of making a better sleep habit and starting to get my shit together. And every night it fails to happen, and I curse myself a little more. That feeling you get when you fuck up your new year's resolutions? Try getting that every. day. for years.
"Every Saturday when I think "well I've got work on Monday, better get this sorted out today or tomorrow or Monday's gonna suuuuuuck" and sure enough, I don't and it does. Every weekend, 52 times a year. I know I'm killing myself by doing this, and then I do it, and now I'm dead and I hate myself because you literally knew this was coming and did it anyway, you stupid idiot.
"... Honestly? These times during this vacation [I took the time between Christmas and New Year's off] where I've just said "fuck it" and gone full non-24 like you guys? It's been... it's been the first time since I can remember I've been able to put that self-flagellation down, even a little. And I know it's... that's the wrong answer. It's like saying I used to beat myself up for all the weight I was gaining from my bad diet and exercise habits, so I threw out my scale. Or like, the way my house was burning down was getting really loud and unpleasant to deal with so I disabled the fire alarm and ahhhh much better.
"But... I'm broken, you guys. I can't keep this up anymore. Not without... help. Not without the doctors to either figure out whatever the fuck ADHD nonsense is going on in there and fix that, or reconsider the antidepressants (I really hope they don't do that because this still beats the anxiety, I mean fuck, you saw how we were.) I know it needs to be worked through and eased into and solved and improved and made better, and I can't. I... can't. I tried. I tried everything. Sara tried everything. Kurt and Ardei did. You did, and still are.
"... I don't want you to stop [being concerned about our bedtime and asking why we're still awake and things like that] because... mmnh. Because you care about us, because you're trying to help. And I like that. That's what I'm afraid of losing [if I keep being prickly and defensive about this].
"But just... be patient with me, I guess. I'm at the limit of what's physically possible without more medical intervention.
"I'm sorry for making you worry, and for putting you in this position."
... Which is about where we stand, now. I have an appointment with the clinic's psychiatrist next week, and I'm hoping that can be the start of... something. And I'm just... trying my best to hold on until then. And mostly failing.
... So that topic is kind of a bummer! On the other hand, the funny thing about a plural system experiencing mental breakdowns is that that's where the team really becomes a family, and in our case, even grew and expanded. The 2019 recap post only talks about Sara and myself, because as of December 2019 we were still a two-person system. Now, I'm coming at you live with an icon that has four faces in it. (Oh, hey, I finally got around to updating it.) Yes, as much as 2020 may have sucked for just about every other measurable reason, this was the year in which Ardei and Kurt manifested as headmates and system members, and... I guess you really aren't allowed to say it was a bad year when you're talking about the year two of your "children" were "born."
It wasn't an easy adjustment. When Ardei first joined the system, Sara was... conflicted. She liked Ardei as a person and fully admitted that he deserved love and support and being welcomed, but she had deep-down intrusive thoughts about being replaced or sidelined, which made her a bit defensive about her place at the table. Ardei understood and helped her with her pain, the two of them were able to work it out and grow more comfortable with each other, and they are fine now. Still, it was a rough adjustment for her, at least for a littl while.
It was nowhere near as rough, though, as the struggles when Kurt joined the system. Due to reasons I still haven't gotten around to writing up yet (it's a long story, have you seen how big this post is turning out already even without it, and I have executive dysfunction,) Ardei initially despised Kurt, Sara was initially frosty toward Kurt for "any enemy of Ardei's is an enemy of mine" reasons, and Kurt was... kind of an atoner trying his best to redeem himself in their eyes. It took a lot of painful confrontations to get them all on the same page. Fortunately, we are a whole family now, and we've even been able to do things like judge video games together. Looking at us now, you'd never know that they've had moments of physical violence between each other at their lowest point (something that's still a point of intense in-hindsight remorse and shame for them.) This part of the story, at least, has a happy ending: Now we are a loving, mutually supportive family. Now there are four of us working together to face and help each other with each of our struggles. I love all of my fellow woodlings, and they love each other, and it was worth any amount of initial pain to be at the point where I can say that now.
Having four of us in the system now, it's been interesting to compare and contrast how each of them "feels" in our headspace, everyone's respective origins. It feels like Kurt and Ardei both may be more psychologically based (I had some unresolved childhood trauma that caused my psyche to split and subfragment in ways I didn't notice until just this year, they might be these other pieces of myself who chose to present themselves as and "become" their respective OCs) while Sara is closer to being a separate self entirely (she didn't choose anything; she was born Sara, I created her and brought her to life.) Sara is the only one who isn't affected by or still carrying scars from my childhood; she has a sort of "I mean that's a sad story and all but I'm not the person it happened to, so ???" layer of separation that Kurt and Ardei somehow do not. We've taken to adopting the term "Celinekin woodlings" when we mean everyone except Sara, mostly in the context of said scars that affect the other three.
Anyway, we have an About Us page now.
Our expanded plural family has other benefits, too. All of us have our own personal areas within the overall headspace. Sara has what looks like a teenage girl's bedroom--lots of pink stuff, lots of band posters on the walls. Ardei has a network of caves. Kurt has a castle. Kurt's castle had a start almost as rough as that of Kurt himself, and we even tried to condemn it for "this is too corrupted and polluted, we have to bulldoze the entire site and start over somewhere more clean" reasons, though our attempts to sever and banish it from the headspace were (fortunately) complete failures. When that didn't work (and with a lot of help from fellow system friends,) the castle was repaired and restored instead. Now returned to us in its former glory, the newly-rechristened Northwind Palace (named after the Falconer song, because Kurt's a falcon, and also just because it's a cool-sounding name) has become a mental refuge for all of us. It's large and spacious, well defended, utterly gorgeous, and building it in Dragon Quest Builders 2 has become our latest obsession. Much like Kurt himself, things were really dicey at first, but now I can safely say that our system is a lot better for having Northwind as a part of it.
And... that was our 2020, I guess. My New Year's resolution is... I guess... continue the process of hopefully someday getting my shit together. Allowing myself more slack and less self-loathing when I reach my or even our system's limitations, but still doing what we can to further the process of getting those limitations addressed. Quit being mad at myself for the things I can't do right with this undiagnosed untreated unmedicated and uncontrollable whatever-it-is, but keep calling doctors and self-advocating and generally trying to get it diagnosed and treated and medicated and controlled, in other words.
In conclusion, thank you for being there for us, for being patient with us, for reading this whole fucking novel of a post (assuming you actually did, which, if not, I completely understand.) Hopefully 2021 will be be about putting out the fires, putting the pieces back together, and just... healing, both for the world and for ourselves and our mental health.
Carry me safe ashore, as you did our brethren of yore....
no subject
Date: 2020-12-31 03:47 pm (UTC)In this case, anything is our group of friends and our plurality.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-31 03:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-12-31 03:52 pm (UTC)On the other that just makes this even more perfect.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-31 03:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-12-31 08:18 pm (UTC)I don't have anything to say.
no, okay
2021 is an arbitrary division, there's nothing that will inherently make it better or worse than this year that passed. 2021 does not emit virus-killing particles, we still have a fool at the helm of the country until partway into the year, and who knows what kind of storms await.
Still, if it's not better externally, hopefully it'll be better internally, for everyone.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-01 07:00 am (UTC)That said, I'm just hoping that the next twenty days zoom by so that we can get our current fool thrown in the garbage where he belongs, he's actively made people refuse to, like, be germane and let one another live and let live.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-01 06:41 pm (UTC)For the last ten months we've just lived as best as we can, taking turns to work and take care of Penny (4 years old two days ago!) She's both a major complication in our lockdown life and really the only reason I get out of bed in the morning... without her, I think I'd be a lot less healthy just now. Sometimes I love the idea of just living alone and having no complications, but I think I'd crave human contact very quickly.
I'm glad that you're beginning to get the help that you need, and I hope that we can all crawl out of this trying time very soon.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-02 11:59 am (UTC)... I mean, I say that, but we might have just traded the physical complications for mental ones. Navigating through the time when the others were having issues with each other was a challenge, and the time Ardei assaulted Kurt was the one and only time in our system's history where we ended up full-on dissociating, having good hour or so of the body just staring forward and shutting down because no one was at the helm. And the reason there was so much bad blood there in the first place to have provoked that assault came from an earlier mental/spiritual health scare in which Ardei nearly died, so... it's been harrowing, getting everyone on the same page. We're doing better now, though, and as time passes these stories of them hating and injuring each other sound more and more like stories about different people than the Ardei and Kurt we know now.
So... yes, challenges, but deep, fulfilling rewards.