Because why dream about imaginary movies that are GOOD

A full and honest review of Alvin and the Chipmunks in: The Miden Istaria, a Chipmunks/Istaria isekai crossover movie that existed in the dream we just had last night.

• Now that we're awake and can look this up, "miden" is not a fancy word for "place called" the way you all thought it was in the dream. Perhaps you meant "midden," because rodents and all, but even that is an incredible stretch.
  
• Don't get me wrong; I love that Istaria of all things is getting some love and attention in the form of this crossover. However, I can't help fut feel like you had an ultra-generic fantasy world plot ready to go and just kind of put Istaria's name on it, rather than making any kind of actual investment into Istaria's lore or setting. I mean, there were no Withered Aegis, which are kind of a big deal. I don't think there were even any friendly good-guy non-enemy dragons, which, from what we can tell moderating their Discord, is basically the entire point and reason anyone still plays Istaria anymore.
  
• That said, I have no idea who on your staff felt the need to include a Tolkienesque 100% fully functional and learnable for-real conlang complete with heiroglyphic-style alphabet just for the "Welcome to Istaria" signage and whatnot, but I do have to admit it was a really cool touch. Unnecessary, but cool. Appreciated.
  
• The whole mood of this film was kind of... dark, for a Chipmunks movie, don't you think? Like, there was a part where one of the forgettable human companions had an in-peril cliffhanger shot that cut away as some enemies are approaching and then he didn't appear or get mentioned at all ever again for the entire rest of the movie (because the human companions are that forgettable.) Given the overall grittiness of this film, I got in actual arguments on the Internet over whether that person died or "no, don't be edgy, it's a goddamn Chipmunks movie, they just got captured or something and then the writers kind of forgot," and I have to admit that, even if I didn't want them to, team "this movie has an actual body count" really had a point.
  
• Speaking of surprisingly dark elements in a film like this, did we really need the entire subplot of Alvin being addicted to prescription medication? Like, take that scene where they were all deep in a dungeon, Theodore was too gravely injured to move, and Simon stayed with him while they all pooled their money and gave it to Alvin and sent him off to find supplies and help. Was that all not already harrowing enough without Simon and Theodore then cynically taking actual moneyed bets (with the remaining coins they didn't pool, I guess) on whether Alvin would take the opportunity to go score more pills? Come on, you guys were in Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue. You're better than this.
  
• Okay, so, that part where Alvin (on his quest to go find help) comes across a doctor's office where the little girl companion is being seen and he falls head over heels in love with her glamorous shimmering sparkling beauty pageant outfit. The line "I could make a man look like a woman in that, let alone a girl" is so deeply problematic on so many levels that I hate even having to type this. There are so many layers about what's wrong with this line to unpack that I'd kind of rather just throw out the entire suitcase.
  
• That said, when Alvin triumphantly returned (without betraying the group to feed his addiction, thank you) with some kind of all-female Amazon warrior party that ended up being a Twilight Force-esque dorky D&D power metal band about being an Amazon warrior party, that was equal parts a funny joke, an epic and uplifting "Alvin came through and they have reinforcements now, hooray" moment, and an amazing musical number. Well played.

Overall, I have to say that this movie had an absolute boatload of problems, but somehow still nowhere near as many as I was expecting it to from the fact that it's a fucking Alvin and the Chipmunks sequel spinoff. I give it three stars out of five.